Monthly Archives: January 2014

A letter to my first born

Dear Boo,

The minute that you were placed onto my belly, you looked at me. Your blue eyes staring into mine. Immediately our bond was formed. It was formed from the blood, sweat and tears of my labour; born from a cosmic connectedness that I am too simple to understand; born from a love than spans eons. A Mother’s bond with her Daughter. I loved you so completely from that very minute, and you completed my heart.

Life conspires to tear us apart though. I am busy, drawn away from you by housework, bills, a new baby. I attempt to be with you, but my attempts are pitiful. I know it, but I can’t accept it. Surely you need to learn to live with my partial attention?

Tonight, I understand. After a day of awful behaviour from you, and much despairing from me, we talked. You, in your simple vocabulary; few in words, but strong in emotion. Me, actually listening. What I heard was that you needed me. You didn’t understand about the bills or the clean floor. All you knew was that I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me. It broke my heart.

While you slept I watched you. Your gentle breathing, your tossing and turning, your sweet face. I have failed you my sweet. I have allowed trivial matters and PND to steal me from you. I am so sorry.

I can’t tell you all of this right now: it is too complex for your young understanding. I can promise you something though. I promise that I will put down my phone and listen to you. I promise not to run to the baby (who is now a toddler herself) before you every time. I promise to play more and craft more, side by side with you and with all my heart and attention. I promise you that I am still yours, and I promise to show you that in my actions.

You, my sweet child, made me a Mother. Now because of you I learn something new about mothering: that bond forged so easily at your delivery is something that needs attention. It needs care, nourishment and time. I understand that now.

I love you so completely and utterly dear Child. Let us build our bond.

With my everlasting love,
Your Mother.

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